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FREQUENTLY ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS [FAQs]:

 

Q:  So... if you got ordained over the Internet... are you a *real* minister?

 

A:  I am a legally ordained minister with a legally recognized [by the federal government] religious organization.

 

I regard a *real* minister as someone who spends years studying the legal, historical and technical aspects of theology so that he might

1) stand outside a soldiers funeral with a big sign that reads GOD HATES FAGS, or

2) take a fourteen year old rape victim into his office and say "Gee dear, it is a shame you did not force him to kill you... because then you could have died a virgin, or

3) tells a molestation victim who is desperately trying to show him the semen stains her father... the Baptist Minister... left on her nightgown "Do NOT tell me this... because... if you tell me this I have to call the police and your daddy will go to jail and you do not want your daddy to go to jail do you?"... and then has her sent to a special home for rebellious Baptist female children... where they learn to be more obedient and compliant... like the bible teaches.

 

Real ministers are the people over at Bob Jones University who question rape victims about what they were wearing... and what they might have done to *invite* the rape.... and if I ever become this kind of real minister... I hope and pray that someone will pick up the nearest blunt object and beat me to death with it.  It would be a blessing.

 

Q:  Are you at least a Christian?

 

A:  I preach a simple doctrine of God's love.  I preach this with a bible in my hands because I live in a time and a place where everyone knows what a bible is and everyone knows who Jesus is. 

 

Put me in Tel Aviv and I would put down the Holy Bible... I would pick up the Sacred Torah... and I would continue preaching a doctrine of God's love.

 

Put me in Baghdad...and I would put down the Sacred Torah... I would pick up the Blessed Koran... and I would continue preaching a doctrine of God's love.

 

Q:  What do you believe?

 

A:  I believe that I am the representative of the Tabernacle of the Congregation... of the descendents of Abraham... of the People of the Book. 

I refuse to regard Almighty God in bits and pieces... as the blind men in the ancient story regarded the elephant.

I refuse the false separation amongst Protestant denominations. 

I refuse the false separation of Catholics from Orthodox. 

I refuse the false separation of Catholics and Orthodox from Protestants. 

I refuse the false separation of Jews from Christians. 

I refuse the false separation of Sunni from Shia from Sufi. 

I refuse the false separation of Jew from Christian from Muslim.

I believe in one God of universal love and tolerance and forgiveness for all of his creations. 

I believe that we have ALL fallen short of the Glory of God... and we must ALL seek his faith and grace... his mercy and forgiveness.

 

 

 

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